Regardless of our personal caregiving experiences and feelings following the loss of a care recipient, one thing is certain: life as we knew it has changed. Moving into the next stage of our lives requires patience, a change in attitude and unique steps for each of us. Many of us need outside help to guide us through our grief, and there is no shame in that.
1. If your loved one received hospice care at the end of life, you may benefit from the bereavement support that most providers offer. Participating in a grief support group allows you to share your innermost feelings with others who understand what you are experiencing. Other sources of support might include asking a spiritual leader for guidance or seeking counseling from a mental health professional.
2. Do your best to drop any guilt about things that you feel you could have done differently. Regrets are normal following a loss, but dwelling on your shortcomings, whether real or perceived, benefits no one. We are all imperfect people and imperfect caregivers. What matters is that you did your best. Compare notes with other veteran caregivers, and you will likely come to realize that you did just fine. If you still have certain incidents that you can’t seem to let go of, write your late loved one a letter of apology. Then, consider the apology accepted and tear up the letter. You have been forgiven by them, now it is time to forgive yourself.
3. Acknowledge the uncomfortable mix of grief and relief you feel, but don’t judge yourself for it. Many caregivers have wished their loved ones would be released from their pain and suffering, and many caregivers have also wished to be released from the anxiety, stress, and exhaustion of providing care. It is only natural to feel some degree of relief when that time comes. In fact, feeling relieved when caregiving ends is indicative of the all-consuming nature of the job you took on. Recognizing that you met the demands of caregiving all the way to the end is one of the best buffers against undeserved guilt.
4. Focus on positive memories of your relationship with your care receiver and relegate the negative ones to a compassionate place on the side. For those of us who helped a loved one through years of Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia, this can be a challenge. Forgive your loved one, if that step is needed. Most of us can only truly move on if we’ve forgiven people for mistreating us, regardless of whether they had their faculties at the time. Here, again, counseling may help. This may be painful but do some reminiscing to revive positive memories of life with your care receiver. Make a pact with yourself to keep these memories at the forefront of your mind instead of the less pleasant ones.
5. Sometimes looking outside of yourself can help with the grieving process. Volunteering is a good way to do this. Volunteer at a nursing home or senior center if you want continued contact with elders in need. Or do the opposite and volunteer with children. If neither of these options appeals to you, consider working with animals or doing something outdoorsy that is beneficial for the environment. Activities like these function as a gentle reminder that life goes on and it is possible to find a renewed sense of purpose.
6. Consider connecting with active caregivers to share the wisdom you gained on your own journey. Or, again, do the opposite: leave caregiving behind you. However, try to continue channeling the compassion that you practiced and the patience you honed while caregiving. I believe that nearly anyone who has been a family caregiver has gained some deep insight into themselves, priceless skills and information, and a valuable perspective on life. Although it may require some trial and error, recognizing these strengths and abilities in yourself and finding new ways to use them is incredibly rewarding.
Self care is crucial throughout all stages of caregiving—even after this role comes to an end. Allow yourself to grieve and allow others to help comfort and guide you throughout this process as needed. Grieving is hard work and each person processes loss in their own way. With time, it is possible to move forward successfully.